Happy Birthday, Boy-child!

You'd think that the first child would be the one who surprises you all the time, that by the time you get to the second one, you'd have the parenting thing sort of figured out and relax.  Well, let me tell you....Angus has been surprising me for 7 1/2 years.

That's right.
7 AND 1/2 years.

He was my turkey poisoning.
I was terribly sick over Thanksgiving, positive I'd eaten turkey that had been sitting out too long.  Never once thought I might be pregnant, because we'd had to take such heroic measures to get pregnant with Maggie.

He came early.
I was due in August, he decided to be born in July.  We didn't have the bassinet set up, I didn't have an outfit for the child to come home in, no newborn diapers...we still had a couple weeks to get all that stuff together, right?
Wrong!

He was colicky.
I didn't know what to do with a baby that cried 6 hours a day for 7 months!  Babies were supposed to sleep and eat!  I was counting on that, especially with a two year old to keep track of.
Yeah, well...this one is different.

After we got through with the colicky hell days and I got on some anti-depressants, things got better.

We discovered that he has the most tender, kind heart...his sister was stubborn and defiant, got lots of spankings.  The boy child, though, just needs talked to in a stern voice and glared at...he goes to pieces and will never do "it" (whatever got him in trouble) again.  He cries for other people, too.

He's always got a pet near or on him.  He's always busy building or destroying something.  I'd like to take a moment here and thank his paternal grandfather Vern Pluhar for giving him a little shovel to dig treasure holes all over my lawn and a hatchet to skin my carragana trees.  Also for cultivating a deep love for rocks, old metal things found around homesteads, and boxes.  I looked in Angus's underwear drawer the other day and it has been cleaned out to make room for his rock/coin/stuff collection.  I don't know where the underwear is.  I don't WANT to know where the underwear is.

He sings a lot.
Especially in public restrooms.

He can wear any hat with great style and look fabulous.

He's never really fully dressed without a tie, and I've found out that he MUST have collars on his shirts to feel comfortable.  (DESPAIR that I have a child who NEEDS polo shirts!)

He likes being tickled, loves being snuggled, still holds my hand when we walk across the parking lot at Walmart.

LEGOs.
He's absolutely passionate about LEGOs.

His favorite song is Bon Jovi's "It's My Life" or the Beatles' "Obladee-Obladah, Life Goes On"

Right now, he's building LEGOs in some sort of Star Wars manner, singing happily, telling me stories as I type.  This afternoon is Campapalooza, his birthday party that he's invited everyone he's seen or talked to for the last 4 months.  I have no idea what the head count will be, I just know he's taking all his guests on a hike, followed by rolling around in the tent in my yard, followed by cake and ice cream.  So, I'm going to wrap this up and go clean for the big event!

Happy birthday, little man!

Day 18: The Meaning Behind Your Blog Name

At first glance, it appears to be quite simple:

The Cohagen Chronicles are stories about my life in Cohagen, MT.

If you work out the acronym, it's much deeper and  more interesting....

C-Cows

O-On

H-Her

A-Awesome

G-Green

E-Endless

N-Native land

C-Children

H-Have 

R-Revised

O-Our

N-Notions

I-In

C-Cherishing

L-Life's

E-Events

S-Supremely

Okay, so it's neither deep NOR more interesting, but I didn't have time to come up with a numerical and symbolic code that would correspond with each letter.  

You get what you get.

Day 17: Your Proudest Moment

I'm a FIRM believer in the divine truth that pride goes before a fall, so the superstitious, wear-the-jersey-I-wore-when-they-won-that-championship-game part of me does NOT want to touch this post with a 10 blog pole.

Let me tell you about little triumphs, instead.

Once, in Bigfork, I managed to put together an entire LEGO Star Wars vehicle for my son in less than three hours.  That was big for me, the mechanically disinclined, attention challenged person.

Unrolling a hay bale perfectly, down to the last flake, in the pasture.  That's so cool, even though there's no one around to see, except the cows and they just want me to step aside so they can get to the grub for heaven's sake!

Speaking of cows, you KNOW I'm proud of Daisy.

I feel so victorious when I live through a run on any given day.  Any run.  Any distance.

When I tip a cake out of a pan and it perfectly releases onto the cooling rack, no chunks left in the pan...I want to call Paula Deen or put a picture on Facebook or something!

Here's something absolutely silly, but I'll confess it anyway since it's not going to happen again:
Astonishingly,
(and remember, this is big ONLY TO ME)
my fantasy football team Hail Mary has won the league two years in a row.
Both years I've played.
*deep breath, here*
I beat Joe Vollmer and Lige Murray at their game.
STILL doing a happy dance in the kitchen when I think of it!
(Changed my profile picture this year, thereby ensuring that all the luck will have been released into the great fantasy atmosphere and will land on someone else.)
(Please don't let it be Joe...please don't let it be Joe...)

Leaving you with two pictures of my babies, because I'm so proud of THEM...

Throttle it, folks...

Day 16: What's At The Top of Your Bucket List?

So...

My To-Do-Before-I-Die bucket doesn't really have a list.  It's full of strips of ideas that I drop in there and they're all tangled together with no real order of importance.  If you reached in and grabbed a strip, it might be a silly little notion or a grand desire...who knows?!  

Here are some things you might find in MY bucket:

• See a real firefly.  I can't imagine how magical that would be!
• Go to an NFL game...I'm not picky, anymore.  Any game will do. 
• Make a souffle.  This is completely do-able, I've just never tried it!
• Paris. (France, not Texas)
• Ballroom dancing...I'd like to learn the good stuff, like tango and samba, AND I could wear heels!
• Somehow, get to each of my blog friend's homes for a visit...this would require getting to Texas, Florida, Iowa, Idaho, Michigan, Missouri, Alabama, Australia and Rosebud among other places.  
• Read War and Peace.  Everyone jokes about it...I want to do it.  Somehow, I think if I did, I'd feel better about myself.  Or maybe it would be a colossal waste of three years...  :)
• Own a VW bus that runs at LEAST 55% of the time. (I've found this is very important when longing for a VW bus.)
• Play those Caribbean kettle drums like Jimmy Buffett and the Coral Reefers have.
• I'd LOVE to see J. Buffett perform, now that we're talking about it.
• I'd like to try caviar. Really!
• Find a bobble head of Joe Montana to put in my car.
• See real live flamingos.

You get the idea.  

Do you know what I'd RATHER tell you about?
The cool things I've already pulled out of the bucket!

• Sailing...not only have I been sailing several times, but now I'm crew, too!
• Meeting the Pacific AND Atlantic Oceans.  
• Going to a Red Sox game at Fenway park.
• Singing karaoke. (It wasn't pretty, but it happened.  Never have to worry about that one, again.)
• Driving a sports car (1990 Chevy Camero) way too fast.  
• Eating at fancy, brilliant restaurants...my favorite being the Black Cat in Boulder.
• Pat Green in concert!  
• Seeing incredible, indescribable works of art...ORIGINAL Monets and Rembrandts and even Jackson Pollacks.  
• Having two babies when I thought there would be none. 
• Fly fishing!
• I was on Route 66 in California...why that was important to me, I don't know, but it was way cool!

Like the song says, "Dreams are nothing more than wishes and wishes are just a dream you hope to come true..."   

It's good to have them.

It's better to recognize them when they've come true. 

Day 15: Timeline of your day

(I have no idea on precise times, here...just the order that they happened!)

Up and out of bed, drinking a big glass of water so I could

Hug the kids and go for a run.

Returned to find out that I needed to take a baler belt to Miles City immediately.

Drank cup of coffee as I...

Showered, applied spackle and found "town" clothes.

Got very specific instructions from the Farmer about who to talk to at John Deere, but as I was leaving I noticed that I had to...

Fuel the car at the Big House.

Drove to and through Cohagen, all the while...

Talking to Joni Carroll who claims she can't come to see us on Campapalooza weekend. Something about a phone she dropped and home improvement and wrong phase of the moon.

Stopped for road construction by Fred Murnion's. (The state is fixing the fun potholes that give everyone in the car tummy tickles if you hit them fast enough.)

Stopped to run a horse off the highway at Ponessa's. (Seriously...almost had to report "Hit a horse...")

Got to John Deere by the appointed time and had to wait 15 minutes for the service guy to get off the phone. (Strict instructions to only deal with him, so I watched the frantic action in the rest of the place. Mondays at implement dealerships are kind of nuts.)

Went to the grocery store on Little Old Lady Day, apparently. (I was thinking it's odd how I always seem to hit this time of day and how it's always bunches of little old ladies.  Then, I thought "Heck, I'M an old lady!")

Loaded groceries in the car while visiting with a toothless, white bearded old guy who had biked to the store and wanted my cart,  perfectly happy to tell me stories about the horrific storm that had gone through town last week. No one got hurt, but there were flying pallets behind the Trail's Inn Bar downtown. Mercy!

Drove across town to the vet service to get worm medicine for the dog, enjoyed watching a little old lady corner Dr. Cal with dreadful questions about HER dog, phone ringing off the hook, Susie trying to get Twilla's updated info, met a very nice Siberian Husky who was in for shots.  It was wild, and took a while!  Apparently Mondays are ugly at the vet.

Drove BACK across town to John Deere, where the service manager was on the phone again.  For 20 minutes. Then, when he checked on the part, it was going to be another 10 minutes so I gave him my cell number and waited in the car.

Drove 81 miles back with the part, groceries and medicine.

Unloaded everything and put groceries away.

Made lunch. (Really glamorous sandwiches!)

Did breakfast AND lunch dishes.

Got the kids back from PopPop.

Started World War Laundry (trying to be all multi-taskie, you know)

Gave the Farmer and PopPop rides to tractors and shop...this takes longer than you might think.

Noticed the calves were out of water....it was 100 degrees yesterday, so I...

Watered and fed the calves, watered the garden boxes that were wilting.

More laundry and by then the kids wanted me to...

Start supper.

Poured a glass of wine.

Fed the family. (Oriental chicken salad...ooo!)

Collapsed on the chair to check FB and email.

Watched a movie with the family...something with the Rock in it. (I don't care what anyone says, he doesn't HAVE to be a very good actor as long as he keeps working out.)

Everyone to bed!

Ugh.

Day 14: If You Won The Lottery...

...it would probably be the Montana lottery, because I'm too cheap to buy big time Lotto ticket, so it would be something in the neighborhood of $100,000 (checked on their website for an actual amount).  After taxes and mob payoffs, I'm guessing the net would be around $1200.

And so goes the bad spin-off of "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie"...

If You Give The Farmer's Wife A Lottery Ticket

If you give the Farmer's Wife a lottery ticket....
She might accidentally win and net $1200.
With that amount of "mad money", she'll decide to take the family to the Black Hills for the weekend, but first they'll need to finish baling the hay.
While the Farmer is baling the hay, there will be a break down and parts from Miles City will be desperately needed, so...
He'll send his wife to town for parts.
Since she knows she's going to town for parts, she calls her friend Elise who also has to go to town for baling parts and they'll decide to SECRETLY meet at John Deere to have a warm Coca-Cola and knit in their cars while gossiping for 20 whole minutes.
While getting parts at John Deere, they'll overhear word that there's a sale at the local thrift store...all you can fit in a Hefty bag for $10.
Since John Deere doesn't have the baler parts their husbands demanded, they race to St. Vincent De Paul because you remember...
The Farmer's Wife is LOADED with cash from the lottery!
When they return to their outfits after proficiently cleaning out the second hand store, they discover...
their children are hungry.
They take the liebchens to the Airport Inn.
If they eat at the Airport Inn, they'll want to visit (and knit) uninterruptedly, so they'll keep giving the kids quarters to play the games in the back room.
Time and finger steaks will pass and they'll discover that after paying for the food, games, and St. V's loot that the $1200 will have dwindled to around $5.00.
If the Farmer's Wife goes home without parts, money and 5 sacks of used clothes and Smurf toys, the Farmer will have kill her....so...
Elise buys the Farmer's Wife a lottery ticket.
And if you give the Farmer's Wife a lottery ticket...

Day 13: My Earliest Memory

How am I supposed to take a picture of THAT?

My earliest memory...

Sitting beside my Dad while he drove the green and white pickup, looking at his hand on the gearshift because I was too short to see over the dashboard.

This was before the days of seatbelts, car seats and things, when the whole family (Dad, Mom, me, Jen and Barry) rode in the front seat of a regular 1970 pickup truck.


I'm posting a picture of grass because I also remember walking through grass that seemed so tall (but probably WASN'T) and getting a little scared because it didn't have a path and it felt endless!
This grass has always looked like eyelashes to me, so it's rather magical....imagine walking up a hill where all the grass is winking at you!
Yes, MY world IS sort of Alice-in-Wonderland-ish...
:)

Girl Child

I know most mothers get all sentimental on their kids' birthdays, but I'm not really one of those moms.
I celebrate each new year, because my brain thinks, "YAY! You kept her alive for NINE WHOLE YEARS with only minimal scarring and issues that will probably work themselves out by the time she's a mother herself!!!"
Really, I'm just hanging on for the ride, taking pictures and soaking up these amazing little beings I've been blessed to call my babies.

Here's Maggie Isabella at nine:
(Because we forget so much!)

• Favorite color: Green
• Favorite book: Imaginary Veterinary Book 1
• Favorite TV show: Finding Bigfoot
• Favorite food: Chicken fried steak
• Pets: Trixy and her kittens
• Friends: Lacey, Lindsay, Rebekkah, Kailah, Livvie (I limited her to 5 off the top of her head.)
• Likes to wear: skirts, hats, tie-dye
• Teacher this year: Joni Carroll
• Favorite subject in school: Art
• Least favorite subject in school: Math
• When she grows up she wants to be: Rancher
• Scared of: the dark
• Passionate about: Horses, animals, toads, bugs, Bigfoot, dreams, peace, swimming, drawing/painting
• Favorite holiday: St. Patrick's Day (I know...weird, huh?)

Partying with family and friends this afternoon, whacking a cow pinata and eating dirt cake...it's a farm theme!  

Day 12: What's In Your Fridge?

Okay.

So maybe I should have chosen this as the "Get Out Of Jail Free" day, after all...

But look at all the good produce!

Today for lunch we had cucumbers and grilled corn on the cob and grilled stuffed peppers...richness. 

Tonight is stir fry Szechuan beef and melon.  Peach scones in the morning...

*happy sigh*

Also, I have a jicama that I'm digging around Bon Appetit for ideas for.

You do see tonic water, here.  G &T's with strawberries and lime are wonderful summer cocktails! 

(Anyone want to join me?)

Lunch meat for the Farmer's sandwiches...they're haying like crazy right now, so I pack lots of sandwiches and snacks for him. (So even though I'm no longer packing school lunches, I'm packing field lunches...year round sammies, here.)

I didn't take a picture of the door, but if you had seen it, you'd know we're condiment junkies.

I hope this is almost the end of "bare your life's most embarrassing details"...

Imagine my surprise...

...when right before lunch a bouquet of flowers arrives for me with a cryptic note, "Hang in there..."

The Farmer was as surprised as I, so I know it wasn't him.
The kids and I have had such fun trying to figure out who it might have been...and here's the true blessing:
You never really think about how many people love you until you're trying to figure out an anonymous gift.  My list is long and filled with amazing, beautiful friends and family that could have been so thoughtful.  THAT  realization brings tears to my eyes, overwhelming gratitude.

So if you sent the flowers...whoever you are...
Thank you so very, very much; they're gorgeous and I have to go put on my tiara, now...
Thank you so much more for bringing to mind all those who are dear to me.  The blossoms are all the more special because of it!

*I didn't get them arranged very well.  It's not FTD's fault!  I wish this was a scratch-n-sniff image for you...

Day 11: 15 Of My Favourite Things

Just play it.
You won't be able to continue reading the post until you do.
Trust me.
The minute I sat down to write this post, it started running through my head and finally I gave in to the demon and sang it...
Only I sang it like this:

"Milk foam on bum calves and strong brewed black coffee, 
Old cowboy boots and ice cream from Softee(s)
Postcards and Calvin and when my kid sings, 
These are a few of my favorite things.

Books by my bedside and Grandma's sweet roses, 
Running at daylight and puppies' wet noses, 
Trout streams that run through the mountains from springs, 
These are a few of my favorite things.

Old hymns from childhood and notes from my friends, 
Doris Day movies and tough yoga bends, 
Football and baseball and my Dad's spurs that ring, 
These are a few of my favorite things

When my dog dies, when the rum's gone, 
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad."

I know.
That was NINETEEN things.
Whatever...
:)

Day 10: My Best Feature

In the middle of doing dishes this morning, while running through a mental evaluation of my features, I decided to make an unofficial, unsanctioned small print change to the challenge.

We should get one "get-out-of-jail-free" day. 

YES!

Now, I know my fellow blog challenge people are frantically looking through their lists, trying to decide what will be their free day....because when one person implements something like this, everyone else says, "Heck, yeah; I didn't know what I was going to do with that "Timeline of My Day" thing because one can only say "refilled margarita glass" three times after 10 a.m. before it gets embarrassing..." 

Can you believe I chose that for today instead of the day I have to show you the inside of my refrigerator?

Well, here's why:

The grocery store I go to had this crazy (good) sale where they gave you a white paper bag with handles in the produce aisle and said, "All you can fit in the bag for $10. Really."  I figure I got about $70 worth of eggplant, broccoli, cucumbers, carrots, oranges, red and green peppers, onions and melon in that bad boy and now the inside of our refrigerator looks lovely!  Especially with Picasa enhancements...

So there you have it.

My best feature is....

Who CARES?!?!

Off to grill eggplant, now.

Day 9: What Are Your Worst Habits?

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!

What gives with this blog challenge????

The contents of my purse AND my bad habits?
And I just noticed there's one about the inside of my refrigerator, too!!!
Jeepers...
No one needs THAT much information about my life.

All my habits are bad.  I can't think of a single good habit that I have.  So, now I have to sort through all the habits and find the very worst to tell you about, then take a photo to go with that horrific post???

No way, Jose'!

Here are a few I'm willing to share, however:

As you may have noticed from the purse post, I'm terribly sentimental and have a habit of keeping little things that remind me of good times with dear people.

I often leave the garden hose on and wander off to dump garbage or something.  Yesterday I Miracle Grow-ed a toad, accidentally, because he was sitting by a pot that the sprayer was leaking on.

I doodle on papers during lectures or sermons.

 This makes my notes look as though I wasn't listening, but I really and truly do.  I always start out trying to have neat, professional looking notes, but end up with a copy of the conference room carpet design in the corners.

Cocktail at 5 p.m. is a habit that I'm desperately trying to break, but without much success.

Another habit I'm working to break is the one I have about walking past the computer and stopping to look at Face Book.  For a while I thought I would only look on weekends, but that ended up being a little too drastic; I underestimated how much my friends and family communicated with me through that form of media.  Weekends are still my FB time, but I also look in the evenings, too.


Okay.
That's all you get.

Day 8: What's In Your Handbag?

Without pre-sorting or elimination, here's what's in my "handbag"...

First, the purse...
It's kind of an oilcloth outside so I can spill ice cream on it, wipe it off like a tablecloth and go.
Shazzam!

Map of Paris, special fly for a special occasion, map (AND public transit schedule) of Boston, 2012 Red Sox schedule and a locket with photos of me as a baby with my Dad.

Little notebook with random thoughts, three business cards, a Miss Me tag, enough sticky notes to run a portable office, toothpaste, lip gloss, sample of facial cleanser and a little box of flies.

I couldn't remember what was written on the notes!  This one was a list of recommended books about Boston, written down while riding the train with Sue in to see the Museum of Fine Arts.

Close up of the personal hygiene products....pathetically few, for a chick.

Stickers from the emergency room visit in Glasgow this weekend (Maggie sprained her wrist while tubing), a Dilbert cartoon that never fails to make me laugh, recipes clipped from the Billings Gazette, super hero book mark and a grocery list....

Close up of the Dilbert cartoon...

I left my heart in the North End...
Close up of the Boston map.

 I KNOW...
You want me to show you the flies.
Well, I'm not going to.  You only get to see them if you join me in person!  That way I can talk on and on about them...

Almost forgot to show you the zebra print wallet and camera!

That's it!

Now, I'm off to find my wine bottle opener, the MP3 player and the pens I thought were in there.

FINALLY CAUGHT UP ON THE CHALLENGE

HUZZAH!!!

Day 7: Your pet hates

Well...

Our dog, Twilla, hates getting moved off the chair to the floor.  She also hates anything that seems like it might have been a plant at one time, so she very carefully picks through any leftovers we put down for her and leave behind corn kernels, bits of lettuce and an offending black bean.  She might have to suck the yummy stuff off, then spit out the plant byproduct, but it's worth it.  Someday, I'll have to tell her that her dog food has corn and rice in it and who KNOWS what will happen when THAT information reaches HRH??

Our cat, Figaro, hates having his paws wet.  He also hates loud music.

Our OTHER cat, Elizabeth, hates kittens.  She's not fond of Figaro, right now, either.  In fact, she's just really sort of grouchy in the summer.

The kittens hate being awakened from their naps or having to sit nicely when they would really rather be pouncing on moths.

My bum calves hate hail on their little tin shelter and being ignored when I'm watering flowers.

The resident toad (does he count as a pet?) hates losing in the game of hide and seek. He hates wagon rides, as well.  (He's a very well traveled, rather nervous sort of toad...)

What a crazy blog theme, huh??

Day 6: Your Five Senses Right Now

Because the Farmer is haying and won't join us for lunch, Maggie requested gumbo.  SO...as I sit here in the post meal quiet, I hear the kids playing each in their own rooms, a contented, full-belly murmur.  The smell of bacon, shrimp, onions, tomatoes and spices is still hanging in the air.  

I learned today that gumbo is an amazingly flexible, forgiving dish....I didn't have all the ingredients for any particular recipe, so I slammed all the cookbooks shut and just went to cooking.  I had okra but no sausage, cumin but no file, canned crab, frozen shrimp, little rice...it all came together and as long as the Gumbo Police don't stop by, I think we're good.

I like it when flavors unfold in a food, so the first taste is the high notes, often the tomato or meat...then, the onions, peppers and spices roll out, and it ends on a smoky, soft, what-could-that-be?-I'd-better-have-another-bite sense.  For the gumbo, I browned the rice in butter before actually boiling it and that was the intriguing end essence.  Who knew that toasted rice in a spicy stew would be the trick?  

The kitchen looks like the crazy cook from Sesame Street just had a big party, even though I try to clean up as I go.

 But here's the thing...

I had to render the bacon grease for the roux. 

Chop whatever veggies I could think of to soften in that same roux.

Peel shrimp.

Brown the rice, 

Cook the chicken breast in strips.

Open the canned tomatoes and broth.

And that's the abbreviated list!

All that, to produce THIS:

(I guess you realize that if TOASTBA was still around, there would be some comment about how this looks like the already digested version...)

:)

I'm feeling full and ready for a nap...

After dishes, of course.

Day 5: Ten songs you love right now

Well, THAT'S like asking Ben or Jerry which is their favorite ice cream....

This very minute...and it could change by the time I post this...the top ten of a gazillion (in no particular order, mind you) are:

1. Jesus Loves Me  (this I know...)

2. I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For- U2. (I know.  For an ADD-ish person, this is theme-song material.)

3. Carry On-Pat Green

4. Come Monday-Jimmy Buffett

5. Back It Up-Caro Emerald

6. I Will Survive- Gloria Gaynor

7. All Summer Long-Kid Rock

8. Hey, Soul Sister-Train

9. If Today Was Your Last Day-Nickelback

10. Stay, Stay, Stay-Taylor Swift

Heavily influenced by the summer season, this is a rough, off-the-top-of-my-head list!

And the photo has absolutely nothing to do with the list, just like the list has absolutely no rhyme or reason, so the word of the day is "Eclectic"  I guess...

Day 4: What Are You Afraid Of?

I drove to Miles City by myself yesterday to get groceries and supplies for the big Independence Day Camp-a-palooza and gave this topic some serious thought.  I'm not fearful by nature...I'm a pretty good worrier, but I'm not afraid of much.

There's startling things like snakes, creepy things in the dark (do we ever outgrow that?), loneliness, heights, depths, spiders, cellulite, tornados...all these things are VERY worrisome, but not terrifying to me anymore.  

Can I open my heart, here, and tell you something deep and dark?

(And they move closer to their computers, holding their breath, cupping their cold coffee cups in anticipation...)

:)

I was married before, when I was 19, and it wasn't pretty.  

When I was thinking of this topic, I thought, "I'm afraid of my ex-husband!"  How'm I going to write about THAT in the Chronicles???

But that's not necessarily true.

I'm not afraid of that person.  I keep my distance, that's for dang sure, but I think I could hold my own if push came to shove.

  

I think what I'm REALLY afraid of is being the person I was when I was at that point in my life.  See, I can deal with the other stuff....the creepies, the weather, the aging....but I never, never, NEVER want to go back to being the person I was then.  

I'm afraid of being so unsure of myself that I'll do anything to keep from being disapproved.  

I'm afraid of being mired in helplessness.

I'm afraid of losing hold of the tiny bit of sanity I managed to maintain.  

I'm afraid of being afraid.  

Fear is a horrible force that can make one do things they never thought they'd do, say things they'd never say, compromise, crumble, cower, crawl.  (I know...alliteration...it takes over sometimes. :)

Do you know...when people react in anger, it's usually motivated by fear?  

Over-protection is an obvious reaction to fear, running away is also pretty easy to tag.  

Fear incites arrogance.

It buries joy; raising self consciousness to a debilitating level.

I'm so afraid of being afraid, again.

The hope I have, now, is that 

take a minute, here....

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear"  1 John 4:18

I've got to hang on to the love, you know?  God's love, not man's.  

It's the only perfect love.

Except for the love my dog, Molly, has for me.  I'm pretty sure she's the personification of God's love for me on four feet, but she's not going to be around forever.  In fact, I don't know if she's going to make it through the summer, and that's sort of the other thing I'm afraid of.  Maybe a little.  

*I came back to post this, as it obviously didn't auto-post over the weekend...
We had to put Molly down over the weekend.  I had to face one of my greatest fears and I wake up this morning still facing it...no little dog beside me.