So, here's the thing...
For the last few months, I've been trying to change some things about myself.
I felt I needed to be more focused, serious, realistic, pragmatic, self-controlled, living within strict boundaries. I've been working on it with all my might, making checklists and goals and following all the rules that I think all the left-brained people follow and are succeeding with.
I really thought that it would make me a better person, help me to be more content here in the land of practical, straight lined people. Maybe I would fit in better, you know? I married into a very intelligent, industrious family that I admire, in a strong, no-nonsense community (which I also admire) and it feels like I'm on a different channel than they are; I think I'm on AM, while they're on FM.
I was trying to tune in, so to speak.
Yesterday, though, I realized that my attempts at change are changing me for the worse.
I find myself tense, self-degrading, defeated and focused, yes, but on the wrong things.
I'm becoming bitter and self-destructive.
The majority of the clothes hanging in my closet are brown, grey and black, for goodness sake! That wasn't intentional, but it's sure an indicator of my spirits.
I've been trying SO hard to change, but it's changed me for the worse.
That's the true confession part.
Here's the apology part.
I'm sorry if I made you feel as though you were no longer important to me, that I'd shed your friendship and comradery. I'm sorry that I've been so strange, and that I've been like a stranger...like you're just getting a hologram of me. I'm sorry that when I try really hard to do what I think is the right thing that I end up doing the wrongest thing of all, and you don't know what's going on.
*BIG HUGE CLEANSING SIGH*
Getting rid of some soul-clutter, here.
Last week, I sat under the stars with my cousin Jeff Newton, talking about things that really matter and quite a few things that don't but are fun to chew on, anyway, especially if you have a bottle of Pinot Grigio and the folks have gone to bed. He unknowingly validated that it's completely fine to be an AM station in an FM world...it's just where I landed on the dial, you know? Jeff is a rare, dear person who exemplifies authenticity to me, the strengths and flaws equally, and makes no apologies for anything except the hashbrowns that didn't turn out the way he'd planned.
In conclusion...
(Those are the most welcome words at the end of an emotional rabbit-trail post like this, aren't they?)
Tune in to the Chronicles for my AM life...
It's mostly random, likely to be passionate, (ONCE AGAIN) there will be more joy, friends, small thoughts on a big world and...definitely football.
