Easily Astonished

Some things blow my mind.

Do you realize that all music...ALL music...is made up of only 11 tones?  Mozart had the same things to work with as Paul McCartney as Willie Nelson as my daughter. Think about all the songs and tunes through time and culture....all of it from 11 tones.  

Telephones...

I know it has something to do with impulses through the wire, but seriously, do you ever stop to think of how many zillion impulses are being sent and not scrambled? AND that it still sounds like your voice when it gets to the other end! Cell phones are easier for me to comprehend than regular old wall phones.  

We have this secret code called "the alphabet" and with it, books are written, ideas sent to others, thoughts saved in hard form.  Twenty six letters...that's all we've got to work with.  Next time you pick up a magazine or book, think about the fact that we only have 26 letters to use in combinations! (I know.  Someone is going to send me the 26 squared information.  But STILL!)

I understand applying paint or pigment to canvas and other things, but I still, still, STILL am completely in awe at how someone could look at a big hunk of rock and with fairly primitive tools, create a 3D figure of a person like Michelangelo's David.  What kind of brain can DO that?  What outrageous gift of talent is THAT?  I can't even make Playdough look like a human! Or a cat.  Maybe a snake.

Don't get me started on the pyramids in Egypt...

Nearly every day, I find something that astonishes me to my toes...

Spider webs shouldn't work, but they do.

Microwaves...what's up with THAT, by the way?!

Yeast; it's alive, but it looks like it's just plain old cooking matter.  

Maybe this is why I don't really read a lot of fantasy or science fiction books...

Real life is already full of unbelievable, wonderful things!

(Side note, here: The kids and I just finished listening to A Wrinkle in Time, by Madeleine L'Engle in which the characters tesseract, travel in the fifth dimension. It made my brain hurt, just trying to think about dimensions...time isn't really linear because it only goes one way.  Good GRIEF!  I'm still working on the idea of a phone made of string between two tin cans...)

Crazy Mary

1. What is your favorite re-make song?  
I'm afraid to say this, but my FAVORITE remake (or as they call it in the music industry, "cover") is La Bamba!  Ritchie Valens did the first version, famously, but Los Lobos really MADE that song.  There are a lot of brilliant covers, probably better than this one, but I like this because it retained the authenticity and almost added to it.  That, and I love to sing it out loud when I'm cleaning, much to the dismay of my kids and the dogs who don't know that La Bamba means "The Band"...did you?

2. If you could teach your kids one lesson so they wouldn’t have to learn it the hard way, what would it be?
ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS check to see that there's toilet paper in the chosen stall of the public bathroom you end up in.  Especially in a truck stop bathroom.  And that's all I'm going to say about that.

3. What is your favorite Elvis song?
This was tough.
I dearly love Elvis and it's often just a "mood" thing with me. 
Keeping that in mind, my favorite Elvis song is either "Suspicious Minds" or "Can't Help Falling In Love".  
I finally figured out that what I adore about Suspicious Minds is the backup singers....yes!....they save that song!  Elvis is Elvis is Elvis, but the background singers ROCK in Suspicious Minds.  And Can't Help Falling in Love is a wonderful, long dancing song whose lyrics talk about how love is unexplainable and undefinable.  That resonates with me, but the tune is a little...schmaltzy. 

4. What was the most memorable disciplining you ever received?
Seriously?!?!  You know my Dad reads this blog, don't you?  
Okay.  Here goes...
I was about 11 years old and my cousin from Milwaukee was visiting the ranch.  Dad told us not to mess around the old house (which is now Grandma's house) and I directly defied him, taking my cousin and our bikes in there, for heaven's sake!  It was the worst spanking I have ever gotten, the last spanking I got and firmly established the absolute respect and obedience that my parents deserved from me. Now that I have kids, it's even more appreciated, although I know my Dad felt bad about it at the time, thinking he'd gone overboard with the punishment.  He didn't, though, and I remember it very vividly.  
On a funny side note, one time my sister, brother and I were talking about our "raising" and Barry and I were discussing the spankings we'd recieved....there were a lot, because we were pretty hard headed, Jen listened to us for a couple minutes and protests, "I don't remember getting that many spankings!"  After a little discussion, we realized that she DIDN'T get that many spankings...not because she was a better kid (let's be clear on THAT point) but because she could be disciplined with a stern voice.  
"Jennifer, I'm so disappointed in you." would reduce her to tears and sincere remorse, while Barry and I were the ones getting spankings, stubbornly thinking "That doesn't hurt...that doesn't hurt".  I know you find this hard to believe, but it's true.   And now on to the last question, lest I reveal too much....


5. If you had to get a tattoo, what would it be and where would you put it?

Stumper.  I'm not really a tattoo sort of girl.  Not even rub-on tattoos!  But I've really thought about this, since 1 out of 3 people of my generation HAVE tattoos, you  know?  Here's what I finally came up with:  I'd get a compass rose (see the illustration) and I'd have it done on the ball of my foot.  Those who know me well and know that I can get lost in Walmart will find this funny (which it IS...shut up!) but also it's very symbolic because I'm always looking for my way, always wondering about the direction I'm heading.  And after consideration, I think the bottom of the foot is a very private place...isn't that odd?....but true.  It's pretty bad when all the OTHER places on a body are pretty ho-hum, including places that Victorians wouldn't have even referenced.  I think only those who know me very well would see the bottom of my foot and they would understand why I'd get a tattoo there. 

There you go, TOASTBA; and for what it's worth, I wasn't exactly lolligagging...I was making French toast and beef kabobs and doing dishes and sailing!  

Let's pretend....

that I haven't been away from here for a month, okay?
Thanks.

In the comments from the last post, my friend TOASTBA tossed out some questions for Crazy Mary!

Here they are:

To prime the pump, I submit for your review some Crazy Mary questions...stuff I--and all your faithful readers--have been dying to know...
1.  What is the next song you will buy for your MP3/IPod/whatever you have?
Hmmm...Well, I can say that my new favorite is the Buena Vista Social Club, so it might be one of their tunes. Or T-Bone Walker....I love his music but don't have any of it on my MP3, yet.

2.  If you could have any of the spaceships on the Star Wars movies, which would you pick?
*Crickets...* Um....okay, I don't really know about the spaceships, but I DO like those big robotic things that go stomping and tromping all over creation, with the operator in its head.  They look like fun!

3.  What is your least favorite chore?
I used to think it was cleaning bathrooms, but really....it's emptying a cat litter box.  Same thing, really.

4.  What is your favorite soup?
Corn chowder, with embarrassing amounts of bacon in it.

5.  What is your favorite drinking game?
Golf. 
I don't know!  I don't know any drinking games, really, but I do know that my golf game improves with beer.  That's what I've been told, anyway.

6.  What is the oldest piece of clothing that you own but have never worn?
My Gramps' plaid wool jacket....it's probably 50 years old, and I'll never wear it, but I love seeing it in my closet; think of him every time I do.  And smile.

7.  What's your earlist memory?
Riding in the pickup between Dad and Mom...I think I was about 3 years old and it was probably the first time I could see over the dash. It wasn't a big, exciting memory, but it was vivid!

8.  I just heard Aretha Franklin's song "You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman" on the radio.  What makes YOU feel most like a natural woman?
High heels!

9.  Using no external references whatsoever, what's the longest one-syllable word you can think of?
The word "through" pops to mind.

10. What's your favorite T-shirt slogan?
I had this Nike tshirt that finally wore out and I wept...on the front it said, "Mary had a little shoe, its sole was full of air, and anyone that Mary raced, didn't have a prayer."  On the back it said, "Mary kicks butt."  If you ever find one of those in a second hand store or a museum, I'll pay you handsomely to bring it back to me...

There you go!
I promise a post a day for 10 days.
I've got stuff to say, just haven't had the guts to say it, lately.

Hi guys!
I've missed you...

We take a break in our regularly scheduled posting...

...to bring you Crazy Mary Q and A.
That's right.
TOASTBA wants to know:

1-What is your favorite holiday cartoon/TV show? Feature length movies are strictly prohibited, here, but all holidays are eligible.

This is tough.  I have two that are near and dear to my heart, that we almost always saw at Grandma's house every year: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas and The Charlie Brown Christmas. I absolutely LOVE the little dog Max, in the Grinch.  I also like the animation, the crookedy trees with bobbly ornaments, the Who-Hash, how completely wicked the Grinch is about pulling the nails out of the stockings, how he sews his costume like a first grader would and yet it works...all of it.

 BUT....in the The Charlie Brown Christmas, there's the little tree that bends over with the weight of one lousy ornament; I've had that tree! (In fact, all the tinsel-y, tin trees in the lot convinced me to always, always have a real one, no matter how messy or lopsided they are.) There's the organizing of the Christmas play with no one paying attention; I've been there, Charlie Brown...believe me, I feel your pain.  And there's the scene where Linus tells the Christmas story onstage.  That's what makes it my favorite holiday cartoon...the absolute simple, beautiful Truth.  And I almost always cry, even though I think "This year, I won't!"

 
2-If you could get the autograph of any one person alive today, who would it be? What item would you have them sign?
Well....since I already HAVE the autographs of Homer Hickam, Susan Kushner Resnick and Shelly Reeves Smith in their books, my top three are out of the running.  :)
This question proved harder than I thought, and I put some time into it.
Here's the kicker: I don't just want a hastily scribbled signature on, say, a football that was thrust into the hands of the signer.  I want them to look me in the eye, talk for a couple minutes, and connect. I want it to mean something.  
I want Joe Montana to sign my raggedy old 49ers jersey.  
I know.
It was almost Sandra Day O'Connor on a gavel, but I went with the athlete because I've loved him since I was 15 and you know that football is a passion for me.  I greatly admire S.D.O., but it's JOE MONTANA, for heaven's sake!  There you go. 

3-What's your favorite picture that you've ever taken?
This makes me laugh! It's like asking which is my favorite child! And I sifted through the pictures, mentally, unable to choose for a long time.  I love taking pictures of people...not so good with scenery...and it was impossible to make a choice on a people picture because each one had its own special memory and weight, its own photographic composition that pleased me.  Finally, I came up with one that is just weird, but I sort of shake my head every time I look at it.  It's entirely serendipitous, completely amazing that all things conspired to make it work....and it's a cow picture.

Bull, cow, calf...standing perfectly in a row, shoulder to shoulder, looking forward, with all the right tags in a field of good grass.

This is a picture that couldn't be set up if anyone tried, but it's a great capture of the bovine family unit.  Makes me smile, shake my head, look again....and it's probably meaningful to only a handful of people!

4-How do you like Tim Tebow's chances to start for the Broncos again next year?
How do I LIKE his chances? I like them.  I think the Broncos need to get a bigger picture, though, because one man does not a football team make and their offensive line needs some sincere help.  I don't know if they need to can some guys, train 'em, get a better O coach or draft new ones, but they need help.  And Tebow can be brilliant, but if he gets taken out by a big defender while he's trying to rush, having no other choice, then there goes the team. 
Tebow's obviously going to start for the Broncos next year, no doubt there.  And he should; he's put in the work and proven that he can lead.  Or get away from the opposition.  I just don't think he should be tagged the team's savior (a title I'm sure he loathes) and their big hope for ultimate success. 
(Sorry, Steve Brock, for all the football here, but I had to! The cow picture should've helped, though, right?)


5-How do you handle the last drop of food that gets stuck at the rim or lid of a jar when you pour it out? You know--like that little dab of ranch dressing or BBQ sauce or picante that doesn't actually make it onto your plate but doesn't get sucked back into the bottle, either. Do you lick the lid? Or wipe it off with a cloth? Or just mash the lid on and throw it back in the fridge to get all crusty and nasty? Something else?
EW!
Wipe it off!
My goodness....
(I know you thought I was going to let the dog lick it off, but I'm not THAT crazy...)

Call me crazy...

...but I really want this little table.

I know.

It's silly and wouldn't go with anything and would cause very nice people that don't deserve the shock to swoon in horror....

I'd love to walk into a room and see those pointy feet sticking out, all whimsical and uncaring of what anyone thought of them, save delight!

It's a terrible picture, taken with my phone camera in Philipsburg in an odd little shop...as most shops in Philipsburg, MT tend to be.  I almost need to go back and get it....

Crazy Mary...again!

It has been awhile since Crazy Mary has had any questions to answer, hasn't it?

Here's the thing: I'm starting to think the reader who submits THESE questions, regularly, might be a leetle crazier than I am. 

I KNOW.

I didn't think that was possible, either, but judge for yourself after reading the questions. (And subsequent answers...)


1. What posters did you have in your room as a kid?
This one was sort of embarrassing for me to answer.  I was a pretty quiet, devout, serious, sensitive kid (yeah, I don't know what happened, either) and at the time, the Sam Butcher Precious Moments were big, so that's what I had.  Here's an example:

Yes. In fact, I think I HAD this one.

I ALSO had horse posters, just as sentimental in their own way.

*blushing*

2. What’s the biggest belt buckle you own?
It's actually quite modest...about 3 1/2 inches across, by about 2 1/2 inches high.  I have two...my folks gave me one when I was a little girl and George Yost gave me a roping buckle when I was 21-ish.  No rhinestones, no bling of any kind...German silver, I think. 

3. If you were to arrange for your son to marry a Disney princess, which one would you choose?
Now THIS was a question I spent some time considering...
Belle, from Beauty and the Beast...although, she may be eliminated as a princess, since technically she was a peasant until she married Beast and lived happily ever after.  Whatever.

First of all, she's literate...that's big.  She was brave, strong minded, fiercely loyal, kind, whimsical and brunette.  (I get a little tired of the blonde Disney princesses.) She put her father's happiness and well-being ahead of her own and found a way to be happy in a place that was rather frightening at first.  That's my pick. 

4. When you were growing up, where did you hide stuff you didn’t want your parents to find?
Seriously?  Two places...under the bed in a box that held EVERYTHING and also in a tree cubby of a big cottonwood by the creek. There may still be something in the tree cubby; I haven't been there for a long, long time!

5. What is your favorite highway rest area?
This is the question that made me think the question-er had completely flipped out. 
I don't, as a rule, stop at highway rest areas.  Mama always said that's where the scary, bad men hide in the bushes, waiting to grab unwary travellers and do them great harm. That warning stuck with me, you know?  NONE are my favorites!  I guess the only one I really end up using is the one in the Hysham hills, only in the broad daylight.  Montana isn't really known for her charming rest stops; I mean, if you can even FIND one...
 
I'll take ANY Crazy Mary questions...just email me!

Crazy Mary....the May Edition

I have a few questions from an anonymous (and I think, perhaps, mutually crazy) reader.  They're probing, in-depth queries and I hope I can do them justice in just one post.  These are questions you've probably always wanted to know about crazy people, but were afraid to ask....

Well, pour a mimosa, kick off your fluffy bunny slippers and prepare to be amazed.  (Amused. Appalled.  There's any number of "A" words that work in that sentence.

1. What’s your favorite non-sport game?

Tricky. 

I have two.

If forced with a gun to play a board game, I'd choose Pictionary.  I really have a hard time with board games and cards because they require me to sit in one place a long time.  But Pictionary is actually fun and there's action, suspense, and quite often, humorous results from the speedy drawings. 

One memorable time, I was playing Pictionary with the Yosts and Ty and I were partners.  We were smoking along until I got the word "lungs".  Timer started, I drew the body shape and then added (what I thought were perfectly drawn) lungs.  Ty said, "I'm not guessing that one, Mary Jane.  I'm not going there!"  I had NO idea what he was talking about and was getting really impatient with him not guessing.  When the timer ended, me mad and him embarrassed, the girls were DYING with laughter...like, tears it was so funny....at my picture of what looked likes sagging...anyway.  That picture hung around in the box for just ever and we laughed every time we ran across it. 

The other non-sport game I like, which was the one I was going to list first but wasn't sure it counted, is pool.  Billiards.  It is so much fun!  And I'm absolutely the worst pool player in the world, but I love that there's strategy, physics (angles and applied force), teams, lots of visiting between times you shoot....there's action.  You can walk around the table, chalk your cue stick, take tons of time pretending to set up an impossible shot that accidentally sometimes works...this is my favorite non-sport game. 

There was an old pool table in the high school dorm where I lived and we figured out the weird tilts to the table, the particular curves to each stick, the rough spots that would slow a ball.  Sort of messed us up for REAL pool, it turns out; level tables, straight sticks, smooth felt.

2. What’s your favorite riddle?

It's obscure and ancient.  I learned it from an antique nursery rhyme book and no one has ever really heard it....see if you are familiar with it:  "Thirty white horses upon a red hill; now they prance, now they dance, now they stand still."  What are they?

3. Outside God and His immediate family, who is your favorite biblical character?

I like Peter.  He was impulsive; walking on the water without thinking about the impossibility first. He was passionate; cutting off the ear of the Roman soldier who came to arrest Jesus.  He was loyal and at the same time, a bit cowardly; boldly stating that he'd stand beside his Lord, then denying him three times out of fear. But did you ever notice? Peter was only one of the two disciples that followed Jesus to the court of the high priest. Even though he denied Christ three times, he still was one of the only ones to follow to that scary place! Impulsive. Passionate. Loyal. Scared.

 I think Peter must've been the disciple that the others called crazy, but in a good way.  

4.  What’s your favorite movie theme song?

OH! Really?  A movie theme song?  I actually put a lot of thought into this one...sadly, since I could've been spending time and brain cells coming up with some sort of solution for global warming. 

The one song that I LOVE hearing is the Indiana Jones theme song.  It's grand, big, bold....one of the songs that perfectly embodies the complete feeling of the picture.  You can hear that song anywhere and immediately go straight into adventure mode. At least I do.  I think THAT would be a great song for graduation!

5. Who is your favorite Greek god/goddess?

Hermes.  He was a messenger from the gods to the mortals, protector of travellers and shepherds and cowherds, god of literature and poets, of athletes, of inventors and of commerce.  He also takes care of old crones, which I'm starting to see as a really cool thing.  The Greeks attribute the invention of fire, the lyre, and...this is funny...the sport of boxing to him.  Not many people remember him, because of Apollo, Zeus and all the big dogs.  

6. What toppings would you use to create the perfect hamburger?

Here's how I would make the perfect burger:

First, the burger would have a dip in the center, concave instead of the convex burgers we usually wrestle with.  That way there'd be a handy little cup for the sauce.  Barbeque sauce that's homemade, dark and complex, probably concocted by my dad. He makes the best sauces! It would be warm, too...just off the stove where it had been simmering. 

I have to have bacon...not the wimpy two strip deal, but four or five strips not too crispy, not too limp.  They would reside UNDER the burger, between it and the bun.  Does it drive you crazy that the bacon always slides off as you eat the thing?  It does me, and I think this would eliminate that problem.

Speaking of the bun....I want a Fuddruckers bun.  Better than homemade but sort of like homemade.  If you haven't had the pleasure of meeting a Fuddruckers hamburger bun, I strongly suggest you hunt one down and discover the wonder. They're made to taste sort of buttery and they feel too light to hold a burger but somehow they stay together.  And you don't end up with that whole "it's all bun and no meat" feeling.

Okay...back to the toppings....I'd have a slice of grilled pinapple on top of the barbeque sauce, melted white cheddar cheese over that, and some sliced green chili peppers on the cheese that have been lightly sauteed in butter.  A twist of fresh ground pepper...just one twist....and  top with the other half of the toasted Fuddruckers bun. 

That would be my perfect burger. 

And so ends the rather longish list of fun questions!
Send any questions you have...there's none too stupid for me to tackle...and I'll do a Crazy Mary post. 

Crazy Mary

More questions for Crazy Mary!
I don't know what's more disturbing, really; that someone actually wonders about these things or that I'm taking the time to answer them. 

In no particular order of importance:

1. Do you read magazines from front to back or another way?

I usually just open it up in the middle and look for something interesting.  I almost always scan to the back, from there, then scan to the front from the middle.  EXCEPT in Bon Appetit, where I read the back page first, every time.  And Shape magazine, where I read the success stories first.

2. On what side of your mouth do you chew most of your food?

The inside.  Next question?

3. What was your favorite thing to do at recess, as a kid?

I went to country schools from Kindergarten through eighth grade, so this answer is not going to be a "stock" one....

When I went to Sand Springs school, there were still outhouses that we used as forts.  Isn't that great?! I mean, talk about the perfect dungeon for captured enemies! We left notes in them...love AND hate notes...and did capture prisoners or trick them into joining our camp.  Usually, it was Boys vs. Girls, but a couple years there, there weren't a lot of boys, so there was sometimes a mercy trade.  I'm not sure how merciful it was, to either side, but it sort of evened things up.  As I type this, I'm laughing that we really did that!  I know the teachers, bless their frazzled old hearts, were just happy we were outside and out of their hair so they could have a nip at the bottle and call another country school teacher for moral support....

At Big Dry, we didn't have playground equipment for the longest time, so we played "horses".  What country school kids DON'T? We'd thread a jump rope through the back belt loop on our jeans and another kid would take the reins.  This game came to a screeching halt when all the mothers started comparing notes and they put the kaibosh on this most lively of sports, because ALL our Wranglers had broken belt loops.  Our good Wranglers. 

The other really, really fun game that we played at both schools was Annie-I-Over.  Do you all know that one?  The kids split up into two teams (and you want the fast kids, here) and each team takes a side of the house...the long side.  The designated thrower on the one side throws the ball over the roof while hollering "Annie-I-Over!!!".  If the ball doesn't clear the roof, the thrower hollers "Pigtails!" and tries again.  If the ball DOES clear, the other team has to have a fair catch (not on a bounce) and the whole catching team comes blazing around the end of the building, with the catcher trying to tag someone on the opposing team.  If they tag 'em, they get to keep them on their team.  And thus sides are exchanged and starts all over.  The point of the game is to capture everyone on a team.  This can go on for DAYS, because there's always a sizzlingly fast kid that can't be captured, but he can capture plenty, exchanging slow kids back and forth, back and forth. 

At Sand Springs, we played it over the teacherage, and that was the perfect building!  At Big Dry, we played it over the actual school building and broke a window, eliminating the game from our choices until the next year when we got a new, innocent teacher fresh out of college and started it all over again.  By the end of the year, she'd have found someone to marry to escape the profession, or started chainsmoking and applying to schools in Alaska, so we never usually had to worry about losing the game for more than a few months.

4. What one thing did you decide not to buy that you really wish you would have?

Besides a winning Lotto ticket? 
Honestly, I'm not really a "thing" sort of person.  But I AM an "experience" sort of person and wish that I had spent the money to do some really fun things when I could.  Everytime I did, I didn't regret spending the money, because I'd live for a long time on ramen noodles and peanut butter to have the memory of whitewater rafting or midnight golf, you know? 
I can't really think of any one thing.  This is the blessing of being impulsive and crazy, to an extent!  No regrets until you get to age 70 and have to work at Walmart as a greeter because you spent your retirement  funds on a 15 day fly-fishing expedition in Canada....

5. Describe your life in six words.

Blessed. Rural. Surprising. Evolving. Yummy. Full.

Had you asked that question a month ago, before the sun came out and when things were at their tensest, here, it would've probably included words like:  Dreary. Medicated. Stuck.



The other question that was posed had to do with my favorite childhood television show and I answered that with the Waltons post, BEFORE the question was asked!

There you go.  Send Crazy Mary questions anytime!  

500!!!!!

*The VERY MINUTE I had to wait to make the 500th post, I had 10 pop up in my head.  The VERY MINUTE I sat down to write this, pffft!, I couldn't think of a doggone thing!

We have the tiara!

Honestly. Do you know how often the need for a tiara arises in day to day functions? It's astounding! 

All the socks matched in that load? Tiara! 

 Jello for a potluck sets up? Tiara!

Only got yelled at once, in the corral, all day? Tiara!

Remember your mother's birthday in time to send a card with no apologies after your signature? Tiara!

Every woman should have one.

I don't know what I did without mine!

 We have cake!

Liberally coated with sprinkles and those magical frosting flowers...

You can't tell, but it's Funfetti cake, too!

Nothing says, "Cohagen Chronicles" like Funfetti cake with sprinkles.

The very first Chronicles post was during a snow storm when I couldn't go to town to get my hair done.

And I didn't tell ANYONE that I was blogging for nearly 6 months.  I didn't really know how to drop that into conversation...you know?

"Hi! So...um....I have a blog where I write about skunks and dead flies and hole-y underwear and near-death experiences with bull relocation projects.  You should check it out! Pass the ketchup?"

Ah, yeah....no.

Today, I was trying to think of the earliest reader.  I think it was Country Wife. 

The most far-flung reader? (That admits to reading the Chronicles..)  I'm sure it's Nancy, in Britain.

The most famous reader? I gotta tell you, I know Patsy Clairmont read it once, and Homer Hickam reads it!

The most surprising lurker? Texas Ghost Rider.  He scared the dickens out of me!

Most faithful readers? Well, I know for sure that Denise and Sara are all over me when I miss a day or two. Or 10.

I can't even remember how we found each other, Alice and Patricia!

The guys who won't admit in public that they read the Chronicles....the Mikes. (There are two of them. They don't know each other. God forbid they ever meet...)

Family, family of family, friends of family of family, friends, neighbors, people who stumbled on The Chronicles when they typed "Ranch wife" in Google, Singaporians who are looking to make a buck....

We aren't going to get into youngest, oldest, or any of those sensitive areas...

I can't believe the posts that get the most comments.

George Strait.

My crazy purse, Madame Serenghetti.

Squeezers.

I can't believe the people that walk up to me on the street and confess that they are long time Chronicles readers, secretly. Then tell me what they'd like to see more of.

I can't believe how many cool people I've met and corresponded with, thanks to this blog.

I can't believe I came up with 500 things that I thought were publish-able.

So, in the sticky notes box, if you'd tell me how you got here and what your favorite post was, I'd love to know. I wish I could say I'd send you some sweet thing in the mail, like a box of 500 Bequet caramels, but realistically, that would never happen.  I still have 3 Christmas cards sitting here that need mailed. The odds of the caramels making to the post office are astronomically slim. 

AND, because there are so many who say they don't know how to leave a comment:

Write your message in the box and sign it.

Choose the "Anonymous" box.

Type the weird word and enter.

Voila! Comment!

I love the sticky notes.

They're why I keep writing this blog, you know?

So, YAY 500 posts!!!!

Thanks for the fun.



It gets crazier...

In ten days,I'm going to fly to a place I've never been, to stay with people I've never met, to eat food I can't pronounce, attend a concert I never dreamed I'd get to and try an activity I've never had the opportunity to try.

How cool is that?!

Or crazy.

Or both.

I like that sort of thing.


Once upon a time, there was a country girl from Broadus who had traveled the world and reconnected with a childhood friend, whose wife had a little blog called The Cohagen Chronicles.  The Chronicles were read surreptitiously and ravenously, because they were like home, only without all the guilt. 

After some time spent in sneaky reading, the girl from Broadus wrote the author of the Chronicles and confessed.  The author of the Chronicles had heard COUNTLESS stories of this chick (the Farmer's dad and her dad have been friends since college) and immediately forgave her and started a correspondence. 

The girls discovered a mutual love for (brace yourself) food, wine, travel, books, their home state of Montana and Texas singers, most especially Pat Green.  What are the odds?  Pretty good, actually. 

The girl from Broadus, as it turns out, is wicked to the core.
Evidenced by the menus she regularly sent to Montana, from French and European restaurants that she'd recently visited.
Evidenced by the picture of her personal wine cellar.
Evidenced by her rather casual mention of her hot tub.
Evidenced by sending e-tickets AND pictures of the CU-TTU game she attended, knowing full well the depth of my love for the Red Raiders.
Evidenced by her travel blog, of Europe.

In a fit of....what I can only surmise was winter insanity....the Farmer told me to use our credit card reward points to buy a ticket to Denver to see Sara Hagedorn, as my Christmas/birthday/Valentine's day present.

So I did!

Sara H., bless her heart, is in the middle of her doctoral (doctorate?) exams and I presume was too shocked and overwhelmed to come up with any sort of excuse to be out of the country at that time.  So she's stuck.  Ah, well....

BUT....GET THIS.....!!!!

Pat Green had the great grace to book a show at the Grizzly Rose (in Denver) at the exact perfect time.
That's RIGHT.
We have tickets.

You've never heard such screeching of delight!
And, I believe on one of the shaky-with-excitement emails, I counted no fewer than 56 exclamation points.
It's true.

AND she somehow convinced her husband Chad that we should go to a couple really incredible restaurants while I was visiting, as her Christmas present.

AND Chad (in a moment of what we can only surmise was winter insanity) mentioned going skiing while I was there.  Which I've always wanted to do, but never have.

AND we have several bookstores to visit.

AND then, there's the hot tub and wine cellar.

*sigh*

I certainly hope we get along...

Crazy Mary

Another deep, insightful post from Crazy Mary....
It's been awhile, hasn't it?

And there are a LOT of questions. 
Really good ones.
Really crazy ones.
Perfect!

Q: What is your least favorite song of all time?

A: Of ALL time? Since there was no criteria on this, I made up my own.  It has to be stupid.  It can't be made better by anyone...no matter who sings or plays it, it's still awful.  It has to make me want to shut off the radio IMMEDIATELY....that's pretty big, because I really, really like music of all types and can tolerate most anything. 

Except the song "Swinging" by John Anderson.
It's aluminum on tooth fillings to me. 
(I know.  A couple of you readers broke into a cold sweat at THAT description...)

Q: What were the most expensive shoes you've ever owned?

A: Again, no specific boundaries here, so I'm going with any sort of foot covering. 
I bought a pair of Danner hiking boots, when I was 25....spent my grocery money for the month on them....for $140.00 at Don's Sporting Goods store in Lewistown.  Turns out, they were worth every penny, every package of ramen noodles, every pound lost that month. I finally retired them a year and a half ago, and only because they were coming apart at the seams.   
The only shoes I pay more than $50 for are boots or running shoes. I clutch my chest in horror when I see in the Oprah magazine that editors are buying $300 heels and calling them affordable!   

Q: Of what room in your parents' house do you have the most memories growing up?

A: The conservatory.  Doesn't everyone?

Not really.  It would be the kitchen.  More memories were made there than anywhere.  Good ones and bad ones, you know? Almost everything went down in the kitchen.  Almost everything came out in the kitchen.  It was the center of our domestic universe, our everyday lives.  Still is.

Q: What piece of recreational equipment that you own do you most wish you would use more?

A: It was between the touring kayak and the fly rod.  I spent a lot of time deliberating this one.

And my fly fishing rod won.  I've NEVER used it.  Ever.  I get it out, a lot, and hold it,  feel the action, dream.  I don't know how.  I don't even know how to tie a fly on! Last summer, I was frantic to use it.  But...nothing. 

I love fishing...have since I was a little girl...and fly fishing has been calling to me for as long as I can remember!  I just need some instruction.  Anyone? 

Q: What was the first album you bought with your own money?

A: Amy Grant and I think the album name was My Father's Eyes. I'm sure I still have it...somewhere....

Q: Overall, which of the Seven Dwarfs best characterizes you?

A: Good GRIEF!! Well, I did process of elimination....not Bashful, Sleepy, or Sneezy.  I can't say that I'm consistently Happy or Grumpy, overall.  I swing pretty polar on those two emotions.  Daily.  So that left Dopey and Doc. 

And I'm Doc.  I wear glasses.  I tend to be bossy.  I get my words mixed up, if I can even FIND the words. My  little tunic is on the tight side.  I miss big, glaring things because I'm so busy getting everyone else lined out.

Yep.  Doc.

Q: Who is your pick to win the next year's (2012) Superbowl?

A. Not who do I want to win, but who do I PICK to win....entirely different horses, there.

Well, right now, everything is sort of in flux.  There are recruits being sought, coaches being hired, drafting, roughing up of personnel, illegal videos being sold. So it's a little tough to see what the teams are going to be like, right this minute.  That doesn't mean I'm going to flake out on the question, but when next Super Bowl rolls around, I don't want to be held against the wall for this prediction.  Fair enough?

We haven't seen a winner from the West in a long time.  And I think there's a lot of talent being gathered up, here, that isn't getting a whole lot of attention from national media.  The coaching has been TERRIBLE.  Wretched. Non-existent, really.  I love the teams from the West.  And they're going to be strong next year.  But none of them will win the Super Bowl. 

I'd pick the Jets. I hate them.  But they're stinking good.  

I think the 49ers will have a great year, and maybe even win our division.  But I have no delusions about their Super Bowl chances. 

There you go! 
Send any Crazy Mary questions to my email, and I'll happily answer them.

Crazy Mary

It's been awhile since I've had questions for Crazy Mary! A regular reader submitted five, today, and they are...tricky.  Well, a couple are tricky.  But since the theme is crazy, you'll just have to work with me.

In no particular order (which will drive the questioner nuts and that's the point):

1. What is your favorite processed meat product?  It's very specific.  Polish dogs from Ryans Grocery and Processing in Jordan.  Ryans has won awards for their meats and these are one of the awarded meats, actually.  They're more beef (or wild game) than fat, incredible blend of spices and when you crisp them on the grill, you'll never want another crummy hotdog in your life. They make lunch meat, too...same goodness, but polish dogs win my vote.

2. What is your strangest personal habit?  Talk about a stumper! I'd have to say (and this is completely gross and dumb) that when I blow my nose, I look at the tissue.  Why? I don't know.  There really aren't any surprises waiting for me!  The exception being when I worked at the arena...you'd just never know, there....(SORRY!)

3. Would you rather completely give up alcohol or coffee?  This is a non-question.  Alcohol, absolutely would be the one to go.  I tried giving up coffee when I was pregnant with Maggie, because I was trying to be perfect, and ended up with such migraines that the doctor made me go back to drinking it again.  I've had coffee since I was quite young; it runs through my veins, thanks to my mom's family.  

4. What movie has made the most impact on your life?  This was the HARDEST question!  At first, I ran through my head, trying to think of all the important, poignant, heavy movies I've seen and how they changed me....got nothin'.  Then I thought about all the classics I love and whether they made me more classic....got nothin'.  Chevy Chase? Nothin'.  Indiana Jones? Nothin'.  

I was starting to wonder if a movie had ever really impacted my life!  But then I remembered A Snoodle's Tale.  Now that one really got me.   It's a VeggieTale, written in the manner of Dr. Suess, and it explores the notion of using the gifts God gave you to make the world around you better.  It also shows that those who ridicule you, may just be ignorant of what God's gifts are. That it only really matters that God loves you enough to entrust you with these gifts, that He wants you to use them to the best of your ability and that He loves and enjoys how you share them. 

*sniff*  

5. If someone gave you an all-expenses paid trip to anywhere in the world, where would you go and who would you take with you?  Ah, yes.  The trip question.  No matter how I answer this, I'm going to be in trouble with somebody.  I did ask if there were restrictions, such as how many people I get to take, and there were none.   And since I can't possibly take everyone I love or want to meet and spend time with or all that, I picked one.

Kellie Yost, come on down.  You're the next contestant on The Price is Right!  (Being a blank check, that's for darn sure...)

And this is something I thought long and hard about, but if it's all expense paid, I want to go to Rwanda and build a school...a boarding school, like my friend Michelle's aunt funded.  I read Michelle's accounts, daily, about her visit to Rwanda, about the kids and the need for education, and their hunger to learn.  France would be fun, of course.  St. John is still on my list. Michigan will be there for a while.  But if I get one shot, just ONE; and I have the chance to make a lasting impact on lots of lives, that's what I want to do and where I want to go.  There were no restrictions, and the question said "trip" not "vacation"....big difference!

I know Kellie would pour her heart into the project, and she's just a lot of fun to travel with.  I know, because we did for the arena, and there's no one I'd rather sleep in a pickup in Wyoming with after 12 hours of turning out steers...I can only imagine the stories we'd have from Rwanda! 

And there you have it....

If you have any questions for Crazy Mary, email me and I'll answer them on Wednesday, next week.  (This is obviously not in-depth, up to the minute stuff....) 

Pop Quiz

The Farmer's Wife has been conspicuously absent from her blog for *gasp* a week, causing mayhem and malaise in the blogworld and a hole in the ozone, or something like that.  Here is a little quiz to see how well you know me and to hopefully renew your interest in reading my blog. (Leave your answers in the comments. And there really IS only one right answer per question. Really.)

1. The Farmer's Wife has been gone for a week...

     a. writing the great American novel against a 48 hour deadline, which came at the end of a 15 month deadline.

     b. because she finally learned to knit AND purl, and finished a sweater.

     c. decorating the house like Martin Stewart, Martha's redneck cousin.

     d. because her husband was fixing their heater and she was running for parts and heating the house with the kitchen stove.

2. While on hiatus, she was asked (as a Crazy Mary question) who she thought the "hottest cartoon character" was.  Her answer?:

     a. Batman; he's got a great car and scads of money.

     b. Mr. Incredible; I've been there, trying to cram myself into a too-small supersuit.

     c. Pepe Le Pew; he's got style AND he's French. Oui!

     d. Have you been drinking? Who thinks of these things, except people who need more to do in the Lewistown Schools Administration Office?

3. What fashion accessory did the Farmer's Wife obtain, causing great rejoicing in the land?:

     a. Bedazzled Scotch cap; cows and rhinestones go together like broccoli and ice cream.

     b. A new purse, sans animal print but with fringe, cutting edge fashion as usual.

     c. Tiara, (not stolen from the Princess Mags) to wear around the house.

     d. New shoes! Lime green, three inch heels, on sale at Walmart.

4. It's her turn to choose next month's Underground Bookclub Selection. What will she assign?

     a. Confederates In the Attic; y'all NEED to appreciate the Civil War is still going on.

     b. Too Much Tuscan Sun; we could use a little too much sun right now.

     c. The Essential Calvin and Hobbes; not QUITE a graphic novel, but work with me, here.

     d. Penguins and Golden Calves; controversial reading to warm the heart.

5. After baking 8 different cookie recipes, she's decided that her favorite cookie is:

     a. Frosted sugar cookies; classic and artistic.

     b. Gingerbread men; guys with spice are nice.

     c. Vermont maple cookies; portable little maple bars.

     d. Oreos; on sale, double stuff.

6. Christmas trees are:

     a. real, green and always grow in circumference after being put in that creaky little stand.

     b. evil traditions that cause mothers to start drinking leaded eggnog way too early in the day.

     c. beautiful, no matter how they are decorated.

     d. all of the above, and then some. Let's talk later. Over eggnog.

7. How many movies have the children watched, in order to buy enough time to make up this brain-bending quiz?

     a. Two. The Farmer's Wife types fast, once her brain gets warmed up.

     b. None. The Farmer's Wife is a martyr and types while kids climb over her, clawing and fighting like raccoons who ate too many cookies.

     c. One. Only it's been the same one on Disney's *Fast Play* and it will repeat until the cat accidentally shuts it off, batting at the little green light.

     d. None. The children are in the kitchen, painting ornaments for thier grandparents and singing Christmas songs together, sweetly. (Have YOU been drinking? Have you been to our house?)

That's pretty much it, for the quiz.  If you get all the answers right, you will be given due recognition and glory on this blog, and deemed a kindred spirit for life! (Woohoo. JUST what you wanted; to be a kindred spirit with a crazy, stay-at-home mother in Eastern Montana...)

Crazy Mary's Q & A

Crazy Mary has had novocaine of the brain, lately....could you tell? Did you all see the movie, "Joe vs The Volcano"? Tom Hanks is diagnosed with a condition called brain fog and it's deemed terminal. I've had a bad case of brain fog this week.

Here's the question of the week:

Here is my question for your colomn...how did you and Wayland meet? J--- asked me that because he joked that thee was no one around, how far did you have to go to find eachother, like, did you just marry becaue there was no one else?????

Very funny question! And it has a funny answer, so brace yourself...

Here in the sticks, in Eastern Montana, you can't really answer that question with a good story, because for the most part everyone in Garfield and the surrounding counties know each other from childhood.  It's more a question of "When did you notice each other?"

We went to high school together, for one year, and both stayed in the high school dorm, but I honestly don't remember him that well, if at all. I was a Senior and busy with after school activities and a job, and a boyfriend; he was a Freshman and ran with another crowd...the underclassmen. His sister Pam and I did a few things together, like Office Education Association and one housecleaning stint, but I didn't really know him. 

Life happened and about 10 years later, I was teaching in a country school across the county, with his mom's best friend (didn't know that detail at the time) and decided to try out for the Cohagen Community Play, the annual melodrama/fundraiser. (Tryouts consist of showing up and reading a part, ANY part!) Wayland showed up, too, and we were cast opposite each other as hero and heroine. The CCC (Cohagen Community Club) takes great delight in saying they were the catalyst in our romance and marriage.

Wayland led me to believe he was a rich rancher, and I fell for it.  We had such elegant dates as, moving cows on 4-wheelers, where all the Pluhars laughed at me because I got the machine in the corner and couldn't get it out. With horses, you pull back the reins and turn them the direction you want the horse to go...voila! you're out of the corner! With a 4-wheeler, you have to get the blamed thing all the way back to neutral, push down a red "R" button while holding the hand brake, push the foot gearshift down and THEN manuver the wheeler around. Slightly more complicated. The men laughed, the cow laughed, I was bewildered...  I was also taken on a fence-building date, with all the guys. I had a little more of a clue, there.

And there you go, the story of how we noticed each other!

Crazy Mary's Q& A

Here we are again, dear readers.  Last week, I got a question on Sunday, which meant that I had all week to think about it. It was a simple question, but since I had 6 days, I was able to complicate it sufficiently for the column. Here it is:

I have a question for the Crazy Mary column.




If you could create and publish your own monthly magazine, what kinds of subjects would it cover and what would you name it?
 
What an exciting and creative question! You can imagine in the space of a week how many different magazines I created and published. Some were rejected immediately, some were chewed on until I tired of them, some were completely nonsensical and had potential. 
 
First, I had to assume the magazine, being completely imaginary, wouldn't have to turn a profit. That little detail changes everything, because if one is marketing to make money, there has to be a target audience, a list of fancy shmancy advertisers and maximum circulation.  So keep in mind the idea that if I were to be able to do this, I would have to be a gazillionaire and just do this as a diversion.
 
Secondly, I don't like monthly magazines, so mine would come every two months. Monthly magazines can become so...predictable and staid, like an old auntie that shows up every Sunday afternoon for dinner with the same corn and bean casserole in a different dish. She tries to make it look different, but when you lift the lid, there's no doubt it's the same stuff again.
 
I start backwards, in the magazine question. First I name it, then I figure out what's in it.  My first name was "Melange" (my computer doesn't do the fancy French accent mark over the "e"...sorry!) which means something like "a bunch of wonderful, unrelated things thrown together".  It's still my favorite choice, but I did some research and there's already a college magazine by that name. 
 
The second name, and this is probably what we'd end up with, was "Front Porch Society".  I like the inclusive, comfy sound of the name and whoever subscribes can be a member of the Society. Do you like interactive things? I do, and a magazine that I can feel part of is one that I'll continue to buy and read.(Relationship, relationship...)
 
The content is the tricky part.  I've found that I like a magazine that keeps me a little surprised. And I hate to feel like I'm being advertised to, in every article. I like interaction...things that let me write in my magazine. I like projects, even though I don't do them, I feel as though I could. What I'm aiming for is like being on the front porch with my friends, with chocolate cake and lemonade, one thing leading to another in conversation. 
 
I'd like a serial story, that goes from issue to issue...a real nail-biter.  I like vintage graphics...perhaps you've noticed? Some travel, but mostly out of the way places that people didn't realize exsist and that don't have any sort of star rating on their accomodations. Recipes, here and there, that inspire.  Whatcha reading column...not necessarily book reviews, but more along the lines of "What's on your nightstand?".  I love quotes, so those would be scattered liberally.  I'd like to include a cd with each issue that has patterns for the projects, cool fonts, a couple songs, the recipes.  (Mostly because I like saving certain elements of magazines, but I get really tired of the torn out pages in file folders...)
 
My trusted advisors and input would be my bookclub girls, with guests as we find them.  If you show up at our farmhouse cum office with a great idea and culinary bribe, we'll find a place to tuck you in the magazine. Depending on the quality of the culinary bribe...
 
I could go on and on, but that's the general idea.  After spending hours on the wheelers, moving cows this week, the idea got rather out of hand.  I'm guessing if it continued in this fashion that every two months the publication would rival the Sears Christmas Wish Catalog in size, and it would take readers approximately 128 days to plough through the entire thing....
 
That was a fun question! Any ideas on what else should be part of the Front Porch Society? Would you read it? What do you like in a magazine? (And I know already that my husband likes guns...most men do. We can have a couple gun things, once a year.)