Excuse my French...

I once told a friend of mine that if I ever come up missing, to look for me in Lubbock. 

Actually, that's wrong....just to throw the trail, I guess. During football season, that would be a good start, but it's not where I'd hide out.

I'm pretty sure I'd go to France.
Longtime readers of the Chronicles know that I secretly (well, not anymore) adore all things French.  The language is beautiful, the gardens are glorious, the food...ah, the food, and the antiques make me swoon. Not to mention the coffee. 

This last month, my Aunt Bert sent me a wonderful care package, full of all sorts of treasures that made me get tears in my eyes at her thoughtfulness.  She tucked seeds, old family mementos, pink Texas Tech work gloves, and an antique postcard from France that she'd found at a craft sale, among other things.  It shows a flower market in Paris...lovely....and I have it near my sink so I can dream while I do dishes. (Thanks, Aunt Bert; we're kindred spirits.)

Quite near the postcard is some wonderful soap and lotion from France that Nancy Miller brought across the pond in her bags, through customs and everything.  Nancy reads the Chronicles (for the information, not the wit, I'm sure) and thoughtfully made the extra effort to bring a little bit of France to my house on the prairie.  It's olive oil and lavender soap, and if I close my eyes after using it, I can pretend I'm in Provence. (Nan, I'm indebted. And it's going to be a LOT harder to get Montana beef steaks through customs on my way to England...)

In a fit of insanity, when I ordered this month's bookclub book, I also ordered Joanne Harris' cookbook, My French Kitchen.  It's got really good, useful recipes, pictures of odd, random French ephemera and I can't stop looking at it.  Tartes are on the menu this week.  I'm looking for my lace curtains.   I forgot that my dog is a Brittany spaniel and could pose for a French cookbook! (Handy, no?)

And that's what pretty much changed my mind about disappearing to Lubbock.  Oh, they've got great BBQ there and my favorite football team, but I fear my heart is in Avignon.

Anybody want to join me?

Handy Housekeeping Hints From the Hopeless Housewife!

*Warning! If you are easily shocked or my mother-in-law, you'll want to lay down as you read this, or pour yourself a stiff drink.  All others may proceed with caution and a notepad.

1. If you leave a bamboo kitchen spoon on the edge of a pan of frying meat for more than 5 minutes while answering the phone, it may begin to smoke.  Another 2 minutes and you'll probably have flames. 

2. Just because the washer CAN hold 12 pair of adult Wranglers, doesn't mean it SHOULD.

3. Those weird looking hairless Chinese dogs may be worth all the cash, in the long run, as a family pet.

4. If you mention anything about weird looking hairless Chinese dogs to a couple of preschoolers, you may end up with the do-it-yourself American version.

5. Don't assume a basket of laundry consists of clothes.  It may, in fact, be a basket of old school papers, cache of half-eaten crackers, or a portable Fairy-World under a deceptive layer of dirty clothes. 

6. At least one child in the house will keep a mental rolodex of every piece of art or weed they've ever gifted you with and the minute you throw away ONE of these precious tokens of their affection, they will want it to show Daddy.  And they won't take the excuse that you can't find it right now. (Which is TECHNICALLY true...)

7. Goldfish don't eat cheerios.

8. Taken from an ACTUAL, reputable cookbook: If you don't have one whole egg, you can substitute 2 egg whites, 2 egg yolks, or 1/3 cup egg substitute.  (Seriously.  If you don't have one, whole egg, do you really think you'll have 2 whites or 2 yolks laying around in your fridge?)

9. Baking soda and vinegar in your sink drain will do absolutely NOTHING for a clog, but it WILL keep the kids entertained for 10 minutes while you locate the Liquid Drano.

10. You can't make anything with 1/4 cup of Bisquick, so just go ahead and use it up, even if it extends your current recipe a little.  Because if you keep putting that box back in the cupboard, you'll never get more. (You can see the vicious circle brewing here, can't you?)