Handy Housekeeping Hints From the Hopeless Housewife!

*Warning! If you are easily shocked or my mother-in-law, you'll want to lay down as you read this, or pour yourself a stiff drink.  All others may proceed with caution and a notepad.

1. If you leave a bamboo kitchen spoon on the edge of a pan of frying meat for more than 5 minutes while answering the phone, it may begin to smoke.  Another 2 minutes and you'll probably have flames. 

2. Just because the washer CAN hold 12 pair of adult Wranglers, doesn't mean it SHOULD.

3. Those weird looking hairless Chinese dogs may be worth all the cash, in the long run, as a family pet.

4. If you mention anything about weird looking hairless Chinese dogs to a couple of preschoolers, you may end up with the do-it-yourself American version.

5. Don't assume a basket of laundry consists of clothes.  It may, in fact, be a basket of old school papers, cache of half-eaten crackers, or a portable Fairy-World under a deceptive layer of dirty clothes. 

6. At least one child in the house will keep a mental rolodex of every piece of art or weed they've ever gifted you with and the minute you throw away ONE of these precious tokens of their affection, they will want it to show Daddy.  And they won't take the excuse that you can't find it right now. (Which is TECHNICALLY true...)

7. Goldfish don't eat cheerios.

8. Taken from an ACTUAL, reputable cookbook: If you don't have one whole egg, you can substitute 2 egg whites, 2 egg yolks, or 1/3 cup egg substitute.  (Seriously.  If you don't have one, whole egg, do you really think you'll have 2 whites or 2 yolks laying around in your fridge?)

9. Baking soda and vinegar in your sink drain will do absolutely NOTHING for a clog, but it WILL keep the kids entertained for 10 minutes while you locate the Liquid Drano.

10. You can't make anything with 1/4 cup of Bisquick, so just go ahead and use it up, even if it extends your current recipe a little.  Because if you keep putting that box back in the cupboard, you'll never get more. (You can see the vicious circle brewing here, can't you?)