Are You Ranch Wife Material?

I happened to stumble on a little quiz today for women dating (or aspiring to date) a rancher.
Of COURSE I took it!

But I was a little baffled by a few of the questions.

For example:

Would you rather A.) Eat out  or B) Have home-cooked meal?
Any current ranch wife would choose A,
We're the ones who make the home-cooked meals, three times a day.  Dang straight, we'd rather eat out!

What is your favorite color?  A.) Turquoise or B.) Black
Um....the ACTUAL correct answer would be C.) Green.
Green like grass, alfalfa, John Deere and (this is so obvious) MONEY....which comes if you have an adequate supply of the first three things mentioned in the same breath.

Do you highlight your hair?  A.) Yes  or B.) No
The correct answer is A.) Yes.  But not always in a salon.  Ranch wives get highlights in their hair by actually being out in the sun many hours.  And silver "highlights" from working cows with their husband and/or father-in-law.

Do you like to vacation in the summer?  A.) Yes  or B.) No
Who DOESN'T?
It's just that our "summer vacations" usually have a parts pick up involved or delivery of cows to a sale barn.  They're really more "stay-cations", but we'll take what we can get. Especially if we get to eat out while we're there.
*In a funny side note: on my way back from Tour de Friends 2014, I got a call while in Belgrade that my friend and cousin needed a swather part from the New Holland dealer there.  Could I maybe pick it up for them? Well, sure!*


A more comprehensive quiz would include the following questions:

1. Can you cook?

1.a. For more than 6 people in one meal?

1.b. With no recipe and only 5 incompatible ingredients?

1.c. In 30 minutes, after working cows with your husband and 4 neighbors all morning?


2. Can you handle "flexible" schedules?

2.a. "Flexible" meaning: immediately going from town clothes to corral clothes?

2.b. With the distinct possibility of having to go to town in the corral clothes for vaccine?

2.c. Or pick up herbicide chemical, because THAT plan changed, too, in the last 15 minutes?


3. Are you good with animals?

3.a. Like snakes in your flower bed?

3.b. Or skunks on the front step?

3.c. Or mice who try to sizzle up your coverall leg in the barn/granary/feed store?

BONUS: Or bulls in your yard in the middle of the night?


4. Do you like people?

4.a. Specifically, the 25 people who live in your community?

4.b. MORE specifically, the 25 people who live in your community who will know when you go to town, feed your cats, how you voted in the last 3 elections, secret ingredient in your potluck meatballs and what your mother's maiden name is?

4.c. All the people in a 150 mile radius that will come racing when your grass is on fire, attend your wedding and funeral, bring casseroles when you have surgery, spend $700 on your kid's 4H cake at the fair, put your cows in when they're out on the highway?


5. Are you good with numbers?

5.a. Numbers of cows counted as they streamed through the gate 3=4 at a time?

5.b. Numbers on parts you're supposed to pick up from John Deere that may or may not contain the letter (trick!) z or n?

5.c. Numbers that the guy who called for your husband gave you that will affect your life because it has to do with the price per pound of your calves, way to reach the cattle buyer in the next 3 states for the next 2 days, truck driver that will show up on the pre-determined date to pick up those calves and alternate dates there-in.


6,  Are you susceptible to falling in love with long eyelashes and knobby kneed babies?

6.a. Even when they're in your pickup truck on the floor?

6.b. And poop on the door of that same pickup truck?

6.c. In March, when there's a freak spring storm that dumps 8 inches of snow in 6 hours, then drops to =10 degrees not counting windchill?


7.  Do you have a high tolerance to pain?

7.a. Where you may tear your ACL and continue to work for another 8 hours?

7.b. Then the next day, drive yourself to the doctor 82 miles away, with a grocery list and parts to pick up?

7.c. And blame yourself for the whole damned mess?



If you managed to answer "yes" to 18 of those questions, you're nuts.
And potential ranch wife material, at least for a few years, bless your brave heart!

If you ditched the quiz 3.4 questions in, I applaud your intelligence and decisiveness...
but pity your lack of adventurous spirit and ability to roll with punches.

(It should be mentioned that some of the most unlikely aspects make the best ranch wives, simply because they don't have any idea of what they're getting into and just plough in with everything they've got.  I'm friends with some of these brave girls and will never cease to admire their chutzpah in a profession that takes strong women down daily.)