Rancher Terminology, cont.

Help- What ranchwives attempt to do that generally causes greater difficulty and mayhem.

Sorting Stick- What ranchers throw after getting "help" from their wives.

Gate- A seemingly simple apparatus used to cover a hole in the fence that is always open when it should be closed and vice versa.  Some gates are traps, set up by mean-hearted ranchers, to baffle wives who are trying to "help".  Closing them involves a complicated series of actions and facial contortions. Generally the trap is complicated by the need for speedy closure.

Pairs- Def. 1.- What gloves are bought as but never, ever are observed as after the tag is ripped off.
Def. 2- Cows with their calves. Or with another cow's calf. 

Count- A random number that will always be right when the neighbor does it, but forever wrong when the wife does it. It is procurred by moving your eyes over the backs of the black cows clumped together going through a gate, but without lifting your finger to keep track. (Some neighbors move their lips when counting, and if you figure this out, it's easier to watch the neighbor than the cows.....no matter what, you'll be wrong.)

Cow number- The identifying digits written in black paint on a rubbery, plastic-y tag that's attached to the cow's ear.  (It's written in secret code that I'm about to reveal here on the Chronicles. The first digit is the year the cow was born. Ooooo.)  One must always, always, always look at the cow number on every cow while simultaneously looking at her bag to see if the new calf sucked.  If one encounters a dead cow, cut the tag off as evidence. Otherwise the men will not believe that you saw a dead cow; they will insist it's an old potbellied stove...

Pen- Def. 1.- A stick with an ink insert that won't scratch out any sort of legible writing, especially if there's a need to write down an important cow number. 
Def. 2.-An enclosure for cows, that they are opposed to entering, because there are scary shadows or the atmospheric pressure that day is not auspicious for penning.

To be continued...