Parenting 101 , Part 1

My friend Marisa is going to have her first child, sometime in September; we are so THRILLED! Everytime I talk to her on the phone, I end up giving her a cautionary child-rearing tip...mostly because she can hear what's going on in the background and that's the best way to explain it. I am compiling, here, a list in one spot for her to refer to. Hopefully eliminating the need for her to write the tips down on stray papers in her house, causing her husband to wonder, as he finds them.

1. Any breakfast cereal with the word "Pebbles" in it is banned from the house. When moistened with milk, the little chocolate/fruit coated puffed rice will stick to children like ticks on a sheep, then fall off around the house as they dry...for Mom to step on and powder.
2. Toads make lousy pets. As do grasshoppers, fish from the reservoir and large spiders captured from the deck. The mortality rate is pretty high.
3. Learn to like cold food, because that's going to be the temperature of your sustenance from here on out.
4. Nothing draws a whiny, needy child to you like a phone call. Seriously. If the phone rings, it sets off an alert in their little bodies, compelling them to locate the Mama to hang onto and whine. The more important the phone call, the greater the volume. They will want ONLY things they know they can't have, and sob like you are beating them when you indicate with your free hand, "No!".
5. The same woman who raised you on the principle "Spare the rod, spoil the child", will tell you that you shouldn't be so hard on your babies. This may cause some bewilderment on your part; just know that the minute you have a baby, the rules change for your parents. Grit your teeth and smile, and go ahead and buy that economy pack of wooden spoons.
6. All children's toys come with 59 accessories and parts that must interface in order for the toy to work. You will NEVER have all the parts at the same time. You will, however, locate them tangled in your vaccuum or under the refrigerator when you move 20 years later.
7. They don't play with those toys, anyway. They like boxes and sticks and rocks and anything belonging to a parent. Save your money.
8. Children have amazing memories (for some things) and the minute you throw away the 112th picture or broken Happy Meal toy, they will NEED it. They will also remember every embarrassing detail about life in your household and share this information with any old person in the grocery check-out line. These are the same children who are unable to recall where they left their new tennis shoes outside, how to unplug the sink for the water to drain, and the complicated procedure of putting on a stocking cap.
9. The days are 73 hours long, the years are 10 minutes. This is the strangest time warp, and one you'll never be able to wrap your brain around.
10. You will long for peace and quiet, but when you finally do get it, it will be TOO quiet, and you'll want them back, with their grubby little fingerprinting paws and their chirpy little voices.

This list is by no means exhaustive, and will be added to as tips come along. Feel free to add your own tips in the comment box.