The time has come...

to address something that has driven me crazy for YEARS;

 an encounter that fills my heart with dread, brings tears to my eyes, makes me feel like such a failure...it's simply awful.

It's fresh on my mind, because this week I had another traumatizing experience with

the S.C.A.L.E. at the doctor's office.

(That's right.  I capitalized each letter on purpose, because evil entities really need identified by their proper name.  Somehow, the acronym for  "Suicide Contemplation After Looking Eventhoughyoucan'tstandit" is appropriate.)

I am STILL wondering how in the world the scale at the doctor's office can weigh me in at not three, not five, but EIGHT stinking pounds more than my scale at home does!  Actually, I'm not wondering, I'm just mad.

Don't try to make me feel better by saying it's the clothes. 

It's not the clothes.

I dress VERY purposely on doctor days when they come in the lighted decent apparel I own.

I even wear light socks, if any at all.

I don't wear heavy earrings...minescule hoops.

I take off my rings.

I take off my shoes.

I take off any sweater or scarf or hair thingee or name tag.

Which brings me to my NEXT aggravation about doctor's scales:

WHY do they not put them in a private little room where the door can be shut?

Do I hear an amen?

Why do we have to be measured in the very public hallway where, well, first of all, we can't completely disrobe and get our weight down to a managable five pounds over. And then, every doctor, nurse, patient, Pepsi delivery man seems to walk by while I'm standing there on the S.C.A.L.E., trying not to cry, wishing I hadn't had that sip of water before coming in to my appointment.

Which brings me to my FINAL frustration:

I can fast for a solid 24 hours, only take enough water for my medication, use the bathroom seconds before weigh in, breathe shallowly (Does air weigh much? I don't know. It must. Something like three pounds with each intake, I'm thinking...)

Still....eight pounds over my home scale.

And just so you know, you can't "accidentally" kick the darn thing while you're putting your shoes back on, because the nurse notices that and chides you.  It probably gets written up in your chart.  She probably adds two pounds in retribution. I'm sure she does.

I wonder if they just design these professional instruments to tack on extra pounds, some wicked "Watch this, Marge...I think this one will actually swoon when she weighs in; buy you a Diet Coke if she doesn't..."

It's probably some medical lottery to liven up the office.

Whatever it is, it can certainly take an already uncomfortable situation and turn it into a half hour of defensiveness and "But I run and eat fruits and vegetables like you can't believe, Doctor.  Really. I do!"

S.C.A.L.E.s

Next appointment, I'm scheduling in July...I swear I will!

It'll push the envelope on "lightest decent apparel" but if I go to Walmart afterward, I might become famous...