Spring training

I think everyone hits spring feeling a little...shlumpy and dumpy, after all the winter comfort foods and marathon movie weekends.  And the doggone catalogs start coming with lithe, firm 18 year old swimsuit models, frolicking on the sands of...BoraBora.  Or St. Croix. 

Spring is a time of eternal hope, so instead of pitching the catalogs the moment they cross the threshold, I thumb through them, wondering if there's any possible way...

Smart people buy shorts at Walmart and are satisfied and get on with their lives.
Smart people don't torture themselves with impossible ideals and circled items.
Smart people accept that God made them a certain way (not in a swimsuit model mold) and enjoy Girl Scout cookies with no self-recrimination.
Smart people laugh at the thought and draw mustaches on the wretched models, before tossing the pages in the trash.

Turns out, 'smart' isn't a word that is ever coupled with my name.
I know.
Shocking....

Here's what I do:

Look at the models half my age and think, "I think I can do that."
Show the catalogs to a friend 10 years my junior and ask her opinion....which, as we all know, is going to be WAY different than one of my peers. 
Take to heart her enthusiastic support, IF I get a tan.  I can't do it without a tan, she emphasizes.
Gather up all the Shape, Fitness and Self magazines that have the word 'bikini' on the cover.
Order the first two piece I've had the guts to buy since age....get this....21! (On big clearance sale...possibly the only smart thing I did in this whole process.)
Panic.
Add too many crunches/pushups/planks too fast. Ditto on miles running.
Die.
Get a tiny package from Fed Ex. (No. Way.)
Panic.
Try the feared garment(s?) on.
Admit a tan and extra work is needed, but it's not the spector of revolting skin that I anticipated.
Lots of extra work.  A pretty darn good tan.  An attempt to embrace vegetables as friends, not foe. 

Maybe by July, I'll have the guts to wear it on our deck, to the kiddie wading pool, after a glass of wine and checking to make sure there are no tractors in a 5 mile radius....