Unnecessary Roughness

It's time to broach the subject of non-verbal communication between ranchers and their wives.

(For those sensitive souls who prefer to believe that those who live in the country are patient and kind, read no further.  This post may get ugly.)

When a farmer or rancher starts dating a promising girl, they charm them by treating them very kindly in the pasture and corral, taking time to explain in great deal and with amazing clarity what the plan of the day is.  They patiently draw diagrams in the dirt and when it's clear that the girl isn't quite comprehending the plan, they say (with humor), "Just follow me, and I'll tell you where to be when you need to be there."

And they wink, and the girl follows along with dreamy visions of spending the rest of her days with this charming country boy. *sigh*

Fast forward ten years and erase all those methods of sweet communication. 
Replace them with glares, waving arms and air-borne sorting sticks. 

I can handle glares....I glare back. 

Waving arms always and forever stump me. 

There's some sort of translation manual, I'm sure, buried in the Library of Congress, that explains the many nuances of the rancher's gyrating arms but it hasn't been released to the general population.

Pity.  The divorce rate among those living in rural areas would be dramatically reduced if it was. 

I cannot distinguish the "Get your butt over here, FAST!" wave from the "Go north, Woman!" wave from the "Close that gate!" wave from the "Did you bring a bottle of water?" wave. 

The list goes on and on.  Usually, when I'm being waved at, it's a tense situation involving a cow moving rapidly and the entire work of the morning hinging on my translation and subsequent action. 

First, I freeze. I run through all the possiblities as quickly as possible in my brain.  I check the position of the gate/cow/4wheeler/angle of arm on the rancher.  I try to remember what was said in the shop before we left, about what the plan was.  I think about what the logical thing to do would be, then I think I should do the opposite because that's what a man would do. (Whatever I think is logical, the equal and opposite thought applies to the "why" chromosomal bearer.)

All this takes place in a matter of 10 seconds.

Meanwhile, the rancher, my husband is waving more frantically and on top of that his face is getting red.  He's also hollering at this point, but I will spare you the eloquence of his language.  From 1/2 a mile away, it sounds sort of like this: "a;lkdjf apoih apeoij rfade! ZVnzoxcivnavuayf! 83apoiudvgapsek?"

If I move in closer, I'll hear words I wish I hadn't.

Somehow, we've got to come up with a better way.  Maybe smoke signals from the steam coming out of his ears.

It occurred to me that perhaps football referree signals would work.  Blow the whistle, make the "False Start" gesture and I'd know that I should stay put, rather than start over there.  Blow the whistle, make the "5 Yard Penalty" sign, then the "Continue Game" sign and I'd know that I needed to take the cow 5 yards that way, quickly.  Blow the whistle, make the "Touchdown" gesture and I put her through the goal posts (gate).

I would, of course, have a whistle and when he got too crabby "TWEET! Unneccesary Roughness". 

And if we made it through the game without a fight, I could dump a cooler of Gatorade over his head.